September 2011
4 posts
10 tags
Hope I have enough tang.
Or can find a woman with three breasts.
9 tags
Shaving and showers.
And houses.
11 tags
What does pwned mean?
I can make up words too. Twatastic. It’s how your mom makes me feel when she sits on my face.
11 tags
Any minute now, this bitch will finally die...
Choke already, firecrotch. I’ve got a quota to meet.
11 tags
Schlemiel. Schlemazel.
Penny-marshall’s-in-my-cupboard-and-I-don’t-know-why incorporated.
August 2011
7 posts
10 tags
Dammit. Outta change.
That geezer looks asleep. Or dead. Either way, I’m going through her purse.
Don't judge him.
He’s had a hard day at recess.
10 tags
They're arranged by category.
“Dirty.” “Filthy.” And “shot in my basement.”
10 tags
Either way...
I’m gonna go hit on the guy-from-die-hard’s daughter while urkel’s traveling through time looking for his career.
9 tags
Tell your dad I said hi, btw.
I haven’t seen him since he stole my marker.
12 tags
We're back.
And we’ve killed a man.
July 2011
6 posts
9 tags
I'm moving to los angeles.
So we’re taking a couple sick weeks. Cough, cough. Don’t cry, we’ll be back in august. I’ll miss your lazy eye and amazing rack. Wait for me, my love. And seriously, stop crying. This shirt is really expensive.
13 tags
Dear god, make me a bird.
So I can kick these others birds’ asses.
12 tags
Greetings natives.
Your opinions & assholes both stinketh of shit. Quitteth ur bitching & look at some ( . )( . )!
10 tags
Leave me be, homeless.
Easy, homeless. Easy…if I weren’t so drunk right now, I would’ve totally smelled you.
10 tags
Happy fourth.
Enjoy the fireworks, bitches.
11 tags
Just drive away, honey.
He knows the drill.
June 2011
13 posts
9 tags
I'll drop an eff bomb on your house.
You’ll cry “fudge me”. And then you’ll die.
11 tags
Happy june.
Zitface.
10 tags
Don't worry. I eat what I kill.
Unless it’s manslaughter. (I’m allergic to human.)
10 tags
Don't mess with me.
Or you get my mess.
10 tags
One missed curtain call.
No new voicemail.
10 tags
Sincerely.
Your new papa.
11 tags
It’s a cookbook! It’s a cookbook!
It’s a rachael ray cookbook!
8 tags
Racist.
Magic.
10 tags
Ma'am, where do you want this?
Says here, you didn’t pay for installation and I only know how to bar-lace.
11 tags
You're new here, so I'll level with ya.
We have a whale of a time here at blubber inc. Just don’t piss off the big man or he’ll go pinocchio on your ass. If that happens, (god forbid) just grab onto a taste bud or light a fire. He’ll blow you right out. You see carl over there? He’s been swallowed eight times. We call him mr. ipecac. He’s real nice most the time. Just don’t mention the word uvula....
10 tags
So you think you can...
Douche…douche…douche.
10 tags
Maybe it'll be salt and pepper.
Then I’ll just look half-dead.
10 tags
You're late again, mister flav.
But you look on time.
May 2011
12 posts
19 tags
Drugs are bad.
Don’t do drugs.
14 tags
What to eat, what to eat.
Ugh. Guess I’ll order a pizza.
10 tags
I have a problem, you have a problem.
I have too many magazines, you need more shit to fill the void in your life. These are perfect for that! (Also, great for collages and ransom notes.)
14 tags
"And the dead in Cretaceous shall rise first..."
“Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds (where they will eat us).”
11 tags
Behold my creation.
I shall never wear pants again.
9 tags
I see what ya got there, lady...
Have fun not getting a facial, pervert.
9 tags
Now leaving sucksylvania.
Population: balls.
11 tags
I have no idea how to use this thing.
But I look like a badass.
10 tags
Some poor child named tarolyn dances like a monkey...
The learning channel, indeed.
11 tags
Mustard or mayo.
On this scale, only a soldier can make that call. Raise a pickle to the submarines.
11 tags
Got you some catnip.
I hear it’s good for inspiration.
14 tags
Your name backwards almost spells Llama.
And that’s good enough for me.
12 tags
Yeah that's right, I watch the news.
Looked exactly like this.
April 2011
13 posts
11 tags
Cold. Refreshing.
Final.
9 tags
Maybe you should've taken some swimming lessons.
Instead of breaking into my house and climbing all over my shit.
8 tags
I know beards are in, but you look ridiculous.
Not a good look for you. Anyway. Don’t worry, it’s just a few nails. By the end of the weekend, you should be fine.
9 tags
Look! There's one over there, kids!
Oh no…it’s just another rock.
9 tags
If it makes you feel any better, you fell really...
Let’s get you back to your box of solitude where you can think. I just cleaned out all the kryptonite.
9 tags
She sends her love.
And her lover.
8 tags
Good thing it smells nice in here.
I just shat my pants.